Christmas Is Not Only Green and Red

Studying abroad is not always living in a paradise. Sometimes, I felt nauseous, overwhelmed with negative thoughts. My chest was too tight to let the air flowed through the airway. Therefore, I wanted to write down my authentic emotions and capture the dark side of this journey. Although it seemed to be a mess, it truly depicted the emotional status.

Life is not always smooth and spectacular. Instead, it is up-and-down like a roller coaster, and today is a terrifying day!

I have that heroic syndrome in my blood which means I want to be a hero and try to save the world. I overestimated my ability to conquer anything, In fact, I could not. After the event today happened, I realized that I was helpless.

Hiding a secret is like committing to crime to me. I was trying to manage things all by myself. Unfortunately, it turned out to be very nerve racking. The feeling of keeping things secretly and being helpful so that people will praise me

My mind and my heart just want to explode right now. I am stuffed with guilty, failure, irresponsibility, stress, fear. My chest is too tight to breathe. I just want to cry because I feel like I am a loser. I wanted to help but I could not; I let people down and just made things worse. I was so upset.

I thought I was ready to manage everything, but I was not.

My mind used to describe Christmas as a season that was full of joy and holy spirit. Not until today, the ugly truth was revealed. When I saw a man’s upset face because he could not fly home to see his wife during Christmas due to storm. A dog was afraid of living in a stranger’s house for a couple days because the owner must fly to another state for family reunion. The wind was howling and sweeping the falling leaves on the street like tornado. The sky was gloomy and horrific; sometimes, there was a thunder dashed through the sky. I could not imagine how scary it was to witness that scene in real life. Besides, the holiday stimulated my homesickness. While many people could reunite with families and friends, the others, including me, had nowhere to go. The holiday carved the emptiness and loneliness even broader.

This downside taught me a lesson that I was not a hero. I should not acting like one then disrespectfully blame me for causing mistakes, because others' business belong to them; they are the only one can solve their problems. I need to accept the fact, my weaknesses, forgive and adapt to them.