All Over The Place

Everyone said that I looked so calmed and stable; I seemed to be certain and oriented with my life. Yes, I am trying so hard to prevent a massive explosion inside my mind. I am overwhelmed by the world which is bombarded by news, rapid changes, and a bittersweet mixture of good and evil spirits every day. I feel that it sucks all air out of my lungs. I could not breathe due to the tight chest. My heart raced uncontrollably inside my thoracic cavity (the region that contains the lungs), 'frozen mode' frequently is activated.

My mental and physical health sometimes scatters all over the place because I have not been well equipped myself with proper skills and techniques to manage this sudden change. In the past, I was like a tiny gold fish that swam in its own crowded tank. It blinded me with comfort and ignorance; therefore, I assumed that I knew everything, but technically, I knew nothing about this outside world. The transfer between a small, and familiar fish tank to an enormous and strange ocean drives this little brain insane. It was such an uncomfortable, horrifying, and miserable experience that caused various confusion, and panic attack. I did not know where to hold on or seek for help. It wore my hope, strength, and confidence out. The number of times that I wanted to give was countless. I doubted that I would be able to make it any farther but I made it! I cried days and nights because my mind was obsessed with fear, loneliness, and powerlessness. I was afraid to be a failure; I had to deal with everything alone because I believed that no one could ever understand and empathize with my struggles; I felt powerless because I was not as good as others, I was not capable of achieving anything, and this life destroyed my whole plans. Good news does not visit me everyday. Things go up and down like a roller coaster which leads me from excitement to heart attack. However, I need to accept the fact that it is life! And life is supposed to be imperfect and unpredictable!

At the end of the day, I reminded myself that I did not live only for myself, but also for my beloved ones. I was their only hope, motivation, and inspiration for them to continue this life and make efforts every day. The power of these thoughts raised me up and fuelled me with positive energy in order to walk towards a bright future. No matter how challenging life would be, it is necessary to pull myself together, and glue those pieces back together to create and design a better masterpiece of self version. Even though it is imperfect, I take pride in myself which becomes stronger, wiser, more mature every single day. Any event occurs in our lives are meant to teach us a lesson. Take it, learn from it, collect the values out of it, then move on!